


I Told Myself This is the Last Time

by moontaekoos



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt, I dont know how to tag, M/M, Only if you squint - Freeform, Super Light Smut, THIS IS SO SAD IM SORRY, breaking up, i swear i love woosan, mentions of mental health issues, self hatred, this is my first work be gentle, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:40:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22802686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moontaekoos/pseuds/moontaekoos
Summary: Here's to the things we love the most, that ended up tearing us apart.orWooyoung saves San from a dark place. Everything was right with the world for a while, until San's wounds come to haunt them. Turns out it hurts more to rip the scab off of a wound that's almost healed.[inspired by the song Set the Mood by Faintlight]
Relationships: Choi San & Jung Wooyoung, Choi San/Jung Wooyoung
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33





	1. I Told Myself This is the Last Time

_Not another word from you,  
Not another step back.  
Tell me this is not a mistake, set the mood right.  
I told myself this is the last time. _

San has been in this bed before.  
Spread out naked like this before, in the arms of a familiar man… Whose body used to, and still, speaks the language of his own. Whose body knows how to make his own body sing. The one he used to call his.

_Used to._

San is dreading the morning when it comes.  
Because he’s sure, once the night ends, he had to accept that Wooyoung is leaving - for good this time. And there’s nothing and no one to blame for it, but fate.

It was stupid fate that let him meet Wooyoung three years ago, during the worst times of his life. It was stupid fate that allowed his wounds to heal underneath Wooyoung’s caring touch.

And for a while he was okay.  
He was himself again.  
He actually believed, for a time, that this is the fate’s way of rewarding him for surviving all those years of self hatred.

San has never known genuine affection and warmth until Wooyoung taught him how it feels. Wooyoung was there to remind him that he was so much more than his past, he’s so much more than his negative thoughts, and he’s so much more than the vile thoughts his own mind throws at him. 

It wasn’t easy. It was the farthest thing from easy, actually. To recover from years of mental and emotional abuse San used to inflict upon himself. But one by one, Wooyoung managed to sew every little jagged piece back together. 

Wooyoung loved San with a burning, unparallelled passion. Anyone with eyes can see the level by which he _revered_ San… The way he refused to see San the way he saw himself. San’s needs and welfare always came first, and Wooyoung didn’t mind, until he did.

They were perfectly happy.

They were each other’s best friend. The future is always seen through each other’s eyes - from the small and cozy home they plan to buy, the number of pets they wished to adopt, it was all planned out.

It was like San’s bad days were all behind them. Wooyoung was his shield, his umbrella who shielded him from the rain and the bitter cold.

You know the feeling when you seek shelter during the pouring rain, when you hide underneath something, anything… And the rain seems to stop. You can’t feel the water hit your skin for a while. 

San’s umbrella shielded him from the bitter rain.

Until one day, San’s ghosts caught up to them.

The rain punctured holes through the umbrella.  
At first, the umbrella didn’t mind. It stood still through the gusts and surges. It tried its best to keep San from the cold.

Until San started blaming the umbrella for faltering.  
San’s fears pushed him to believe that Wooyoung is finally seeing him for what he really was - blemished, scared, broken. He started seeing Wooyoung’s efforts as a reminder that he needed fixing, that he needs to defend himself from him. Instead of getting better, San started taking steps back. And Wooyoung didn’t know what to do; what went wrong? They were perfectly fine, how did his ghosts manage to catch up to them both?

The touches that used to bring them comfort started to sting.  
The presence that used to be their safe haven started to feel so exhausting.

Wooyoung wondered… Maybe he’s not enough.  
Maybe San deserves someone who can take a lot more than what he can endure.

The cold wasn’t kind to Wooyoung at all.  
It gradually made a grisly home out of his heart, until he can’t feel the warmth he used to share with San anymore.

_“Wooyoung, do you still love me?”_

Three years ago, He would have answered the question even before it escaped San’s lips.  
Now, he’s not sure anymore.  
The rain polluted that love. Thinned it down to almost nothing.  
He lost himself trying to fix San.

How did they let that happen?

They tried to hold on, really, they did.

_But sometimes, an umbrella isn’t any match to a hurricane._

_**So tonight, Wooyoung grips San like his life relies on it.**_  
He worships every line and curve of his body like he’s trying to commit it to memory.  
He lets himself give in to the final dying embers of their flame.

_So tonight...  
Steady your breathing...  
Shift the tides and sweep me towards your seas...  
Let's bring back that feeling.  
One last time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> You can find me on [ curiouscat ](https://curiouscat.me/moontaekoos) or [ twitter ](https://twitter.com/moontaekoos)


	2. In Places We Won't Walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Wooyoung started dating San, he made it a mission to rewrite all of the latter's bad memories. It's just that San never thought he'd have to face his memories of Wooyoung alone.
> 
> or
> 
> Do we regret sad memories, or do we thank them for being the proof that happier days exist?
> 
> [Chapter title is from the song Places We Won't Walk by Bruno Major]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyyy so I decided to turn this into a chaptered fic! It's gonna be Woosan's journey to either moving on OR getting back together. I'll let you know once I've decided so myself.
> 
> You can find me on [ curiouscat ](https://curiouscat.me/moontaekoos) or [ twitter ](https://twitter.com/moontaekoos) as always!

When Wooyoung and San first started dating, they made it their unofficial mission to rewrite all of San’s bad memories. They went to all the places where San had a panic attack, where he felt depressed, where he had nothing but self loathing. They went to all those places and said _“fuck you, San is better now. You can’t touch him anymore.”_

San can clearly remember those days with Wooyoung as if they were just yesterday. 

He really doesn’t know why he’s visiting these places again. He knew it’s gonna hurt. He knew these places will do nothing but remind him of both his worst and best memories. But in a way, some twisted part of him needed this, to finally accept that this is really happening to him. Because sometimes, he is still in a sick state of disbelief. Being separated from Wooyoung is really that unthinkable that his system refuses to believe that he’s actually gone.

San is now back at their old college campus. 

It’s been years now since they graduated, yet the open fields and the dormitory buildings still feel like a distant home.

It’s where their nights were fueled by coffee and the cheapest food they could find. They were so sleep deprived, yet they were happy in that little bubble they used to share. In those little pockets of time they had between classes and requirements, they found themselves binge watching tv shows they streamed on free netflix trials.

San found himself slowly climbing the rickety stairs up to their old dormitory building. It’s a fitting homage, actually, to go back to the place where it all started.

“San? Choi San?” A woman called out to him.

San turned towards the source of the small voice, just to find the old dormitory guard, still at her trusty post after all those years. The sight of her pulled something from deep within the recesses of San’s heart, as if fooling him that this place stayed the way it used to be, frozen in time with his memories with Wooyoung.

“Ajumma…” San found himself whispering the word, like if he spoke a little bit louder, he would break.

This is the woman who watched over them as they tried to survive college together. She was there when they tried to climb over the dorm fences because they were outside way past curfew. She pretended not to notice when they smuggled a single bottle of soju into their dorm, because she knew these boys are good kids and a little soju never killed anybody. She was also there when the two of them slowly went from classmates, to best friends, to awkward dates, to soulmates.

San ran into her arms like it’s the only thing that would keep him from shattering.

Thankfully, she didn’t ask. She just took San into her arms, like a mother welcoming her son back home after a long, long day.

She pats San’s hair, getting a little hum from the boy. Ahh, finally. A little sliver of comfort.

"Oh, my little Sanie… Ajumma missed you." 

"I missed you too, Ajumma." San looked up from her arms, smiling. It's the first time he genuinely smiled since that night with Wooyoung. 

"How have you been? It's been so long since you graduated… You look so handsome now!" She said, appraising San from head to toe. 

“Does that mean I wasn’t handsome when I lived here?” San playfully broke the hug, pouting cutely.

“Ahh, you know that’s not what I meant… Anyway, what took you so long to come back? You must be so busy being an adult huh…” She said, ruffling San’s hair.

“Well, you can say that…” San looked around the old building, musing at how it looks now compared to when he was still living here.

“Wow, how does this place look so different yet feel the same after all those years? Look, there’s still the wooden bench by the water dispenser!” There’s a giddiness in San’s voice as he ran around the dorm lobby, looking at the little notice board by the dorm manager’s office.

“What… The dorm manager still works here??? I swear I can remember them saying they’re gonna retire every single year while we were still living here what the…”

“Looks like they loved working here as much as I do… They’re still saying that to the new residents, but that old thing never handed in any resignation… I guess we’re gonna work here for as long as we can walk huh?”

San found himself smiling again, reminiscing the way their lives used to be in this dorm. That old dorm manager who used to sign their forms, that old dorm manager who used to scold them when they break curfew, that old dorm manager who used to give them packs of instant ramen when their weekly budget forced them to choose between eating and their class projects.

At the time, San saw these people as just daily occurrences of his university life. But looking back at them now, he realized that he actually got the support he needed to survive, and that made him feel so grateful.

“...but where is Wooyoung?”

San was painfully brought back from his reveries with that one question.

This is why he’s scared to go back. How can he explain to everyone they knew, that there’s no more of the happy couple they used to know?

If it was this hard to answer a question from the old guard from their university dorm, how much harder would it be to explain to his parents that the Wooyoung they used to welcome like their own son, won’t visit anymore?

_San still doesn’t know how to deal with this loss._

“Ahh, he’s away for a project with his new job…”

_So he decided not to.  
How can he taint this place with such sad memories?_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> You can find me on [ curiouscat ](https://curiouscat.me/moontaekoos) or [ twitter ](https://twitter.com/moontaekoos)


End file.
